Remember, it is not your fault that you are being abused. Nobody deserves to be assaulted, least of all by a partner who is supposed to be part of a caring relationship. People often blame themselves because that is what they are told by the abuser, but that is just their way of justifying what they are doing to you. You should always remember that being assaulted is wrong.

Safety At Home

Sometimes it is best to flee and sometimes it is safer to placate the abuser - anything that works to protect your self and your children.

Safety After a Violent Incident

If You Can Leave:

• Have a plan of departure, such as which window, door, stairwell, etc, rehearse if possible.
• Keep purse and keys ready for the departure.
• Park your car close to your exit.
• Choose a place to go. To the home of a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support, or a motel or hotel, or a shelter - most importantly somewhere you will feel safe.

• Trust your judgment.
• Avoid arguments with the abuser in areas with potential weapons; kitchen, garage, bathrooms or in small spaces without access to an outside door.
• Avoid getting trapped in small places; closets, powder rooms, etc.
• If possible, have a special room in the house with an extra strong lock.
• Teach children to call the police, neighbor, relative.
• Have a special signal (lights flickering on and off, etc) to use with neighbors, friends or relatives to alert them to call the police. Teach it to your children.
• Teach your children not to get into the middle of a fight, even if they want to help.
• Show your children a safe place to hide during a violent incident.
• Plan an escape route with your children and rehearse it with them, often.
• After the incident, call the police. Take pictures of bruises of your injuries; or ask a police officer to take them; if they appear worse days later take more photo's.
• Go to the hospital for prompt medical attention; have the abuse documented as domestic violence on hospital records.

Prepare a survival kit. Conceal it in the home or leave it with a trusted neighbor, friend, or relative. Important papers can also be left in a bank deposit box.

CHECKLIST OF ITEMS TO TAKE WHEN LEAVING

• Identification for self, such as driver's license, social security cards, passport, green card, public assistance ID, work permit, etc.
• Money, credit cards, checkbook, ATM card.
• Important documents, such as birth certificates, social security cards, school and vaccination records, medical records, welfare identification records, marriage/Divorce papers/Exparte or full Orders of Protection.
• Clothing.
• Lease/ rental agreements, or house deed.
• Insurance papers.
• Medical records: health, life and medical records.
• Spare house, office, car keys.
• Medication/toiletries/diapers.
• Address book, pictures, jewelry, small saleable objects.
• Financial documents: income tax records, savings accounts, bank books, IRAs.
• Children's favorite toys and/or blankets.

After The Abuser Has Moved Out:

• Obtain an Order of Protection.
• Change locks on doors and windows.
• Replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors.
• Insert a peephole in the door.
• Install security systems or additional locks.
• Install/increase outside lighting.
• Inform landlord or neighbor of situation, and ask that police be called if abuser is seen around the house.
• Consider getting a dog.
• Change telephone numbers, screen calls and block caller ID.
• Save all messages with threats that violate any orders.
• Stay in parts of the home, office etc. that is close to an exit.
• Important: notify family members, school, and place of worship that you're living apart and that children are not to go with your partner.
• Check in regularly with someone and arrange the steps they should take if you don't call.
• Conduct daily routines at different times of day if possible. Utilize different grocery stores or shopping malls. Take alternate routes to work and schools.
• Rehearse an emergency with your children.
• Keep a bag ready in a hidden place for a quick departure.

SAFETY ON THE JOB OR IN PUBLIC

• Inform your boss, security supervisor, and friends at work. Provide a photograph of the abuser.
• If you have an Order of Protection, carry it with you always.
• Give security a photo of abuser and Order of Protection.
• Ask to help screen telephone calls at work.
• Inform others about the time you will be leaving work.
• Avoid leaving work alone.
• Have an escort to your car or bus.
• Vary your route home.
• Consider a cell phone for your car.
• Carry a noisemaker or personal alarm.
• Vary the routes taken to the grocery store or to and from work.
• Find a safe place to exchange the children for visitation. Some communities have specific locations just for this purpose. Contact your local domestic violence victim service program for more information.
• Plan where you will go if the batterer follows you in your car -- to a police station or a friend's house.
• Have a plan for what to do if attacked in your car, store, bus, parking lot, etc.

Protecting Your Children

• Teach them a code word to call 911, and how to use a public telephone.
• Let school personnel know to whom children can be released.
• Give school personnel a photo of abuser.
• Warn school personnel not to divulge your address and phone number.

Getting an Order of Protection

• Call the Police to get an immediate Order of Protection.
• Be sure you fully understand how an Order of Protection works. Call the MPC or your local domestic violence program and talk to and advocate.
• Keep your order with you at ALL times, and give copies to family, friends, schools, employers and babysitters.

Take Care of Yourself

Try to get enough sleep, eat regularly, don't panic. Its okay to need help and most people will feel good about being able to help you. Keeping in touch with someone you can talk to, a friend or relative who supports you or a domestic violence hotline or support group can really help.

Back to top