November 23, 2004
Sameh Fahmy
Staff Writer, The Tennessean
Stalking lurking in the background
It isn't just celebrities who are followed; research finds a fifth of high school and college students have been victims of stalkers.
There have been three stalker-related deaths in Middle Tennessee in the past five months. And research finds that about 20% of high school and college students have been victims of stalking. But, still, many people dismiss it as something that rarely happens or — if it does — happens only to celebrities.
''As a general attitude, I think people are amazed when they hear how frequent this kind of situation is,'' says Linda Manning, director of the Margaret Cuninggim Women's Center at Vanderbilt University. ''So we (as a society) deny that it happens; we minimize its impact, and we sort of don't want to know. And I think that's the way in which we don't do a very good job of addressing this."
Most of the academic research on the problem has focused on celebrity stalkers, but research increasingly shows that it's common among young people. A recent survey of nearly 800 students by Cornell University researchers found that 20% of high school and college students — men and women — have been stalked.
In most cases, the stalking lasted two months. In those cases where the student was still experiencing stalking, the average length of time had been nearly half a year. But as the story of one Nashville woman demonstrates, stalking can persist for years and leave its victims fearing for their safety indefinitely.
Wynn acknowledged that ending the violence is harder in rural communities than it is in cities like Nashville because the services are fewer and farther between. But along with being horrible crimes, the slayings have sent a "horrible message" to victims, she said. Already, domestic violence victims who are working their way toward a safe life are saying, "Why bother getting an order of protection? They don't work. Look what happened to this woman."
It starts with a breakup
A recent Vanderbilt graduate broke up with her boy-friend two years ago and has been stalked by him ever since.
She recalls that the relationship started innocently enough: He was charming, personable and all her friends loved him. He sexually assaulted her and afterward began to act needy and controlling. She broke up with him, but he didn't go away.
The woman (The Tennessean does not identify victims of sexual assault without their consent) walked out of her door shortly after the breakup to find her ex standing there, and instantly she knew something was wrong.
"I pretty much realized he was a problem the first time he showed up outside my house," she says. "It was just the look in his eye and the fact that from his perspective there was no understanding of why we had broken up."
He'd call her 20 or 30 times a day. And every day, he'd show up outside her classes, at restaurants and pretty much everywhere she went. If she was alone, he'd try to convince her to get back together with him, saying things like, "We were so good together." If she tried to get away, he'd try to grab her.
She turned to a friend for support but instead was made to feel like she was exaggerating.
"She really didn't believe me," she says of her friend. "It was like, 'He is so perfect, I don't see why you're acting like an idiot and breaking up with him.' "
Manning says it's not uncommon for the friends of victims to dismiss stalking. Without an understanding of its persistent nature and how it can make the victim feel — like they're constantly being watched and in danger — it may seem like they're complaining about getting gifts or a few phone calls from an ex.
The stalker's behavior escalated, and he had his friends follow her around and taunt her. He'd find out when her roommate would be out of town and bang on her window late at night.
Know where to turn
Part of what stalkers aim to do is to isolate their victims, but help is available (see Finding help below).
Three months after the stalking began, the Vanderbilt grad got help through the university's women's center. They listened to her concerns and worked out a plan to keep her safe.
The stalker would only approach her when she was alone, so the center's staff walked her to classes and gave her rides when she needed them. She told a few of her professors about the problem, and they, too, offered to escort her.
Most victims, however, don't seek help. "I think much of it is that they're just not sure what to do," says Jeffrey J. Haugaard, associate professor of human development at Cornell University.
His study found that 15% of victims reported the stalking to a counselor, and 8% contacted police.
Especially in cases where victims once had feelings for their stalker, they sometimes assume their stalker won't hurt them. A Department of Justice study found that 10% of college-age stalking victims had their stalker attempt or force sexual contact. In 15% of cases, the stalker either threatened or attempted to hurt them.
In rare cases, stalking can turn deadly. In June, a Maury County man killed his ex-wife and daughter after stalking them. This month, a doctor was killed in Columbia by a former patient who had stalked her for years.
People without a history of violence can suddenly become violent, says Susan Trentham, director of the June Anderson Women's Center at Middle Tennessee State University. She urges victims not to assume their stalker won't hurt them.
"You don't know how it's going to end," she says. "You don't know if they're going to stop or if they're going to get worse. And I guess I'd see it as it's better to err on safety's side than to assume it's going to stop."
Valerie Wynn, executive director of The Mary Parrish Center for Victims of Domestic and Sexual Violence, says that orders of protection — which prohibit stalkers from contacting their victims — are the first line of defense for victims.
"They do work in 80% of cases," she says. "They stop the behavior and they keep the victim safe."
Counselors acknowledge that in some cases an order of protection can escalate the behavior and make violence more likely. This is why it's important for victims to work with advocates who can help them decide what's best for them.
Right now, stalking is a misdemeanor on its first offense, punishable by up to a year in jail. A second offense, if committed within seven years of the first offense, is a felony.
The recent murders have prompted Tennessee lawmakers to consider making stalking a felony on the first offense. Generally, felonies are punishable with a maximum sentence of a year or more.
The Vanderbilt graduate decided not to pursue legal action out of fear for her safety. "The one thing that he always said to me was, 'I will kill you if you go to the police,' " she says.
'Constant prey'
After graduating, she changed her cell phone number and moved. Although she doesn't see her stalker daily like she used to, he still shows up unexpectedly once or twice a week.
She's undergoing counseling to deal with the anxiety the experience causes, and she isn't comfortable going out of town alone or out in public places without people she trusts.
"You feel like you're this constant prey with this predator always lurking in the background," she says. "Just in day-to-day living it really wears on you."
Researchers such as Haugaard hope to prevent stalking by creating educational materials that teach young people to appropriately deal with breakups.
"We spend a lot of time talking with adolescents about sex these days," he says. "But we don't spend a whole lot of time talking about relationships and particularly talking about how to deal with the ending of a relationship — probably because we don't have a lot of good advice to give."
Manning says that society can make stalking less common by taking it seriously. "We want to hold men who do this accountable, and as a culture and as a society not tolerate that type of behavior," she says. "And as a society we don't do a very good job of that."
And until that happens, she and other advocates fear that victims such as the Vanderbilt graduate will continue to suffer.
"I'm hoping that one day it might decrease and stop all together," the Vanderbilt graduate says. "I'm also really realistic about it and I know that with stalking it doesn't just go away."
Finding help
Several nonprofit organizations, university women's centers and police offer support and guidance for victims of stalking and their friends and family:
• The YWCA of Middle Tennessee, www.theYW. com, 242-1199 or 1-800-334-4628
• The Mary Parrish Center for Victims of Domestic and Sexual Violence, www.mary parrish.org, 256-5959
• The National Center for Victims of Crime, www.ncvc. org 1-800-394-2255
• Rape and Sexual Abuse Center, www.rasac.org, 256-8526 or 1-800-879-1999
• Metro Nashville Police Department Domestic Violence Division, 880-3000
• Cornell University offers a Web site aimed at high school and college students with strategies to reduce stalking and other forms of intrusive contact, www. humec.cornell.edu/stalking/
What is stalking?
Intrusive contact occurs when someone intentionally contacts or tries to contact you when you have asked that there be no contact.
The contact can be personal, such as phoning or visiting, or can involve leaving messages or sending e-mails. Sometimes intrusive contact is just annoying (as when a person phones and then hangs up several times a day), but other times it can be frightening (as when a person appears at a bedroom window) or dangerous (as when a person physically hurts or threatens to hurt someone). Intrusive contact also includes:
• Insisting on talking with you when you do not want to talk.
• Making a scene outside your home or dorm room.
• Phoning or e-mailing repeatedly.
• Phoning at inappropriate times.
• Following you around.
• Waiting to meet you outside school, work or other activity.
Normal... or not?
Sometimes it can be difficult to know whether your ex's attempts to contact you are just a normal part of relationships or whether they are wrong. The following behaviors are always wrong:
• Threats. Your ex does not have the right to try to resume the relationship by threatening you, your family or your friends. Threatening even once is wrong.
• Hitting. It is completely wrong for your ex to try to force you back into a relationship by hitting you or hurting you in any way.
• Breaking clear and reasonable limits. If you tell your ex, clearly, not to contact you in certain ways, then he or she should not. If you say, "Do not come by my house," then he or she should not come by your house — not even once.
• Doing things that would not be right under any circumstance. It is not right for your ex to contact you by doing things that would normally be wrong, for example, calling you very late at night, creating a disturbance outside your dorm room, or hiding in the back yard.
Source: The Relationship Project, New York State College of Human Ecology, Cornell University.
Stalking myths
Myth: Only mean or sadistic people engage in intrusive contact with someone they used to date.
What we know: Some people who engage in intrusive contact are mean or sadistic, others are usually nice and are well liked by others but cannot let go of the relationship.
What we do not know: We do not know who is likely to engage in intrusive contact and who is not. It seems as if almost anyone can engage in intrusive contact under certain circumstances.
Myth: The best way to end intrusive contact is to ignore it.
What we know: Intrusive contact will sometimes end if ignored for a few days or a week. Other times, however, the other person will continue the intrusive contact and may increase the amount of intrusive contact so that it cannot be ignored.
What we do not know: We do not know which cases will end if ignored and which may continue or get worse.
Source: The Relationship Project, New York State College of Human Ecology, Cornell University.
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