Common Characteristics of the Batterer
(click here to return to indicators of domestic violence)

1. Explosive Temper: Abusers have limited tolerance for frustration, they get mad at anything regardless of how little or significant it is. They may begin to throw things or punch walls, etc.
   
   
2. Low Self-Esteem: They may feel that they have not met their ideal goals for themselves. They may be disappointed with their job or feel inadequate.
   
   
3. Blames Others: Abusers are unable to take responsibility for their behaviors and feelings. Common statements are: "You made me mad"; "You made me do that"; and "You make me happy." The message is "You control how I feel." Nothing is ever the abuser's fault and everything that happens to them is their partner's fault. Somebody is always "out to get them."
   
   
4. Manipulative/Deceitful: The abuser may start off as charming or a gentleman, but then turn hurtful and violent. Everyone likes him/her and can't believe that s/he can hurt anyone.
   
   
5. Very Jealous and Possessive: They will not allow the partner to do anything without him/her and controls what the partner wear or whom they talks to.
   
   
6. Hypersensitive: The abuser is easily insulted. Anything the partner says is viewed as a personal attack. An abuser will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened: things that are really just a part of living, such as working overtime or getting a traffic ticket. They feel the "system" is picking on them.
   
   
7. Isolates Their Partner from Friends and Family: The abuser will attempt to cut the victim off from support systems and may not allow the partner access to a phone, car, etc.
   
   
8. "Too Much Too Soon": They get seriously involved in relationships too quickly. After a couple of dates, they are already talking about marriage and commitment.
   
   
9. Unrealistic Expectations of Partner: The abuser wants the partner to meet all of his/her emotional and domestic needs. They say things like, "You don't need anyone else but me."
   
   
10. Alcohol and Drugs: Alcohol/drugs may trigger an incident and are often used as an EXCUSE for violent behavior.
    
    
11. Cruelty: Abusers may be cruel to animals or children. The batterer may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain; or may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease young children until they cry. (60% of men who beat their partners also beat their children.) The abuser may refuse to interact with the children by not allowing them to eat at the table or expecting them to stay in their rooms in the evenings.
    
    
12. Forces Sex on Partner: Restrains partner against her will, acts out fantasies in which the partner is helpless, demands sex when partner is ill or tired and shows little concern for partner's wishes.
    
    
13. Rigid Sex Roles: Batterer expects a woman to serve him; requires her to stay home and obey in all things. The abuser sees his partner as inferior and unable to be whole without the relationship.
    
    
14. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abuser's sudden change in mood: they will describe the abuser's behavior as "nice" one minute, but the next minute "explosive" or "crazy." Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of batterers and are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
    
    
15. Past Battering: The batterer may admit to hitting previous partners, but will blame the partner for provoking the attacks. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses of previous abuse. The fact is, a batterer will beat any partner: situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.
    
    
16. Verbal Abuse: Abuser uses words to humiliate or degrade partner.
    
    
17. Threatens: Uses the threat of violence to control partner.
    
    
18. Breaks Personal Possessions: Will destroy partner's possessions as a form of punishment or to terrorize partner into submission.
    
    

Help is available. Nobody is going to force you to leave, if you're not ready. But there are things you need to know, to protect yourself. You are NOT alone. Domestic violence spans all races, nationalities, ages, classes, and incomes. You deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. You deserve not to be battered. If you have children, they deserve to grow up in a home free of violence and fear.

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